


Retrospection/Introspection

by hellionbaby (reketrebn)



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, First Love, Fluff and Angst, M/M, POV Multiple, Retrospective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 08:25:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14712584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reketrebn/pseuds/hellionbaby
Summary: To be somebody’s last love is just perfect…





	Retrospection/Introspection

**Author's Note:**

> This is my old fic that I posted on LJ as part of a xmas exchange. As that platform is mostly dead now, I intend to transfer most of my jrock fics on here.
> 
>  
> 
> Original note: There is a song that belong to this fic, so you might want to listen to it while reading but you don’t have to…the video is very beautiful too. And it’s just...that when I heard and saw it, it felt like them somehow..  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQDDsVtfPiE
> 
> btw the link in the title “Summer 2010” is clickable :) there is a picture that belongs to the story but it didn't feel right to paste it into the text directly..
> 
> beta by colberry♥

 

 

 

 

_Humans aren’t perfect. Being imperfect is why we try to fill in each other’s gaps.”  
_ _HnG Volume 50 - Die Meisyo De Meisyu_

  
  
  
  
**Somewhere between 1995 and 2001**

  
  
  
  
If I knew how to stop it I would’ve. If I only knew how to fight this obsession with your face, hair, lips. But all my attempts were useless, nothing ever worked. You always managed to take my breath away with everything you do. And it’s not really about your appearance, even when it takes a big part in it, but it’s more about what you are saying or the way you laugh, your humor and mind that are able to make my heart fly with how fast it’s beating. I never thought I could fall for somebody the way I did for you, so deep and fatal. But it happened and it can’t be undone, so I gave up fighting it – it’s always been useless anyway.  
  
I remember at the beginning, when you weren’t mine yet, I used to dream wild dreams about you. I’d wake up, trying to catch my breath – my throat squeezed with sorrow – knowing you weren’t mine, not really and never will, and that it was just a dream. I’d bury my face into the warms sheets, try to fall back into that darkness and forget this awful, miserable feeling. This fear of you slipping away from me eventually – and me never being able to reach out for you and take my chance.  
  
I was so confused during that time - always thinking about you and falling deeper into that torture because you were constantly next to me, both of us in one band now. I was trying to figure myself out, what am I and what would we be if we were..? Would you even be able to love somebody like me? And would I even be able to be with someone at all?

I never had girlfriends, not serious ones, because I always thought I was too young for that and well…I never became so infatuated with somebody like I did with you. I was never so fascinated by someone like when that first time I met you. I must’ve looked like a total fool: staring at you, huge eyes and stupid silence, constantly saying only the wrong things and then trying to disappear. Not to mention I thought you were a girl – what a stupidity. It really proves how totally melted my brain was that day.  
  
You seemed too pure and innocent, and the truth is you were at that time. I was so afraid to touch you and taint you. You didn’t deserve a loser like me, someone who is too wild sometimes and does things spontaneously, things that will end up badly. Someone who is always insecure about his looks (like it matters). But it does, it does when you were always the nerdy ugly guy in high school who no one wanted to date. It stays with you – you want to be perfect, you want people to look at you differently, finally see you as somebody who is worth noticing. I doubted you would ever lay an eye on me when your idols were so perfect, pretty and beautiful. You just deserved so much better than me. That’s why my looks always mattered when I was around you, always wondering if I was enough, if you would maybe one day start thinking of me as one of these idols.  
  
I wanted to be amazing..I wanted to be perfect for you.  
  
But as with a lot of things in my life, I overdid it. I stopped eating altogether, I became obsessed after somebody told me I was fat and ugly. It was like a little push that day; I was so broken and depressed and this comment at my appearance came…and I just broke. I thought I was beyond repair.  
  
But I guess everything bad brings something good. This brought you to me.

You saved me right there at the hotel lobby, where only two of us were waiting for the rest to come. It was an early morning and I felt drowsy and haven’t slept almost at all during the night. I felt hideous and pitied anyone who looked at me. And I was even more nervous standing next to you there, almost too close. I didn’t know what to say or where to look, fidgeting with the hem of my sleeve.  
  
“Die-san,” I heard a faint voice next to me – it was you of course – and I felt so horrible that I wasn’t even able to look at you because I would feel like a monster again.  
  
“I want to tell you something,” you sounded afraid and timid. I understood that, I had been giving you a hard time with my own confused actions and feelings. You were afraid how I would react but I was also afraid of what it was that you want to tell me.  
  
“Yes, Shinya?” I choose to leave out the nicknames that bothered you so much.  
  
“I..I want to tell you that…I think..” you were suddenly out of words and I looked at you, your eyes were glued to me, to my face. Irises of that warm dark color, your face looked so smooth in the morning light. You looked beautifully nervous and maybe a bit flushed.  
  
“You are beautiful..” you suddenly stated firmly. And my heart stopped. For a second that lasted forever, I thought I was still dreaming or this was just a delusion gifted by my dear insomnia. I honestly don’t know what my expression was like. My whole body froze.  
  
“I think you are a very handsome man and I like you the way you are, Die-san.” You spoke again with a little bow of your head, always so polite and gentle. I knew what you meant, that I didn’t need to lose any more weight, that you were worried. I also hoped you meant so much more with those words. But before I was able to create any response in my head and much less say it, our dear bandmates came with a raucous laughter and shouting and we had to head out to the next city and show.

 

  
_Toshiya - Other people don't matter! (laugh)_  
_You have fallen in love right? Everyone wants to know._  
_If you don't say, in reverse, there will be a misunderstanding._

_Shinya - I don't mind if there is._

 

  
Shinya didn’t know what it was, what made his final decision, what decided it all – that he had fallen in love with Die. Maybe the way Die would softly look at him sometimes or maybe the way he cared so much for him, even when he was desperately trying to hide it behind the cocky smiles. Maybe it was his smile, bright and beautiful. Or maybe his cuteness – yes, despite the rockstar image, Die was cute even if he denied it. But maybe it was his warm and kind heart that never really wanted to hurt anyone; even with the jokes and teasing, he never meant it seriously . Shinya understood that for a long time now. Or was it, just maybe, his beauty? Because Shinya was sure no-one saw how truly beautiful this man was. The fans only saw make up and costumes, but Shinya saw the bare face with that birthmark under his left eye, so gorgeous with every feature, so perfect and dazzling.  
  
How could Shinya decide what the real reason was? And wasn’t it all in the end? Just everything about Die and what made him – even his flaws, which were many – everything that just reminded Shinya of Die, that made him love that man. And despite his jester self that was always around - because Die hated bad moods and always wanted people around him to be happy - he loved him and wanted that attention.  
  
He caught himself once, when he was at his parent’s place with none of the members around, how he missed somebody pulling his hair or asking him endless questions. Somebody hugging him and joke-molesting him, trying to tickle him or steal his drumstick. Somebody trying to get any reaction from him.

Somebody calling him Shin-chan.  
  
He realized then that he can’t imagine his world without Die.

 

 

                                                          

  
  
Morning was illuminating your face and I couldn’t believe this was real and I was living it. We were lying next to each other, half covered in sheets and the rest of us bare, our hair disheveled. I started recalling what happened last night because I still couldn’t comprehend how something so good and wonderful could happen to me.  
  
I drank quite a bit last night but I was just a bit tipsy after all, more drunk on my sorrow than the alcohol. It started torturing me too much – how I couldn’t stop thinking about you all the time, how I was still the ugly monster who was making your life miserable, how I was not even supposed to dream about being with you because it was just so damn impossible.  
  
And suddenly you were holding me as I was falling, deep into my misery and tears, while I felt nauseated and my stomach wanted to throw everything back. While I was wishing I would throw up my heart too so it would never hurt again. I don’t know if I was crying or what was happening exactly but I remember being in your hotel room, sprawled on your bed with you holding me in your arms and whispering desperate pleas to stop it-stop it all please-I am here, right here. And my mind was so confused – I thought you knew, you knew it all, about my heart being only yours. Then I was looking into your eyes, everything feeling so blurry, only you in perfect focus, those chocolate brown orbs full of so many emotions I never saw in them before.  
  
“Shinya…Shin..Shinya, I..” my voice was deceiving me, a lump in my throat blocking all the words.  
  
“I know Die..please stop this. I can’t bear to see you like this any longer, please… I’m here and I am not going anywhere.. You are not alone anymore..not alone” Shinya was rambling and desperately whispering while holding my face. I never saw him do such things, it felt so much like a surreal dream.  
  
Not alone…not ever alone again.  
  
My whole life since I was little kid - I was lonely, so lonely all the time. This feeling was always with me..and I hated it with all my being. But when you said those magic words just now, it was like a wave of warmth, love and adoration hit me with its full force and I was simply overwhelmed. I really think I was crying at this point, but I don’t think I cared much.  
  
Everything after that was a blur – me holding you close, kissing you spontaneously and you not resisting, falling into my arms, burying your hands into my wild red hair. Our clothes and sheets around us becoming a mess; I remember your skin being hot and pressing into mine that was so much paler. I never felt anything like this, it surpassed all of my dreams about you because I finally felt the reality that was a thousand times better. Your lips felt like heaven and your hands were a burning hell. I couldn’t get enough – I might’ve been trembling because of how much my heart was screaming – I loved you with my whole being, my perfect dream.  
  
And even when we both fell asleep I couldn’t stop holding you, tightly hugging you to my chest, and you didn’t mind at all. The last thing I remember is the scent of your hair.  
  
And now I’m looking at you here, next to me, being with me and filling that endless void that always tore me apart. I never want you to disappear, I never want to be alone again. Please don’t ever go, don’t leave, because I don’t think I can survive it.

 

 

  
  
  
**[Summer 2010](https://78.media.tumblr.com/403ff72d1e877fdf71d7ffdf81742867/tumblr_p90tauMtwj1s9acuho1_540.jpg)**

 

  
  
_Please tell us if there was an incident t  
__hat almost made you cry recently._  
  
_Die: Seriously I easily cry recently._  
_Even while walking and listening to music_  
_when the scenery and the song randomly overlaps_  
_my eyes fill with tears and such._  
_(5.10.2006)_

   
  
There are times when I am willing to share, to share everything with the world. Every inch of my pain and the deep secrets of my struggles. But there are also times when I am not able to utter a word about it. It just hurts too much, it’s too troubling and I keep it locked away, deep inside this black hole in my soul. Sometimes I feel like I am in this pit, trapped with no possibility of escape.

During these periods I forget the passing time, days, maybe even months. I am stuck in this cycle of dark and sleep and dreams or nightmares. Nothing is shining and all around me is dull, that blind gray color I hate so much. I feel empty, lifeless, hopeless. I can’t see the future, I don’t know what my next day will be like nor the days that are to come. Nothing matters.  
  
Nothing except music. My guitars. My heart, which I place into those red, passionate mistresses.  
It’s like as if I’m some sort of wizard who rips his heart out and hides it into some secret precious place, where no one can touch it or hurt it. My heart is in those guitars, my loves, for eternity. And I know that if they shatter or disappear, I am also dead – lost and without soul.  
  
I wish for the sun, for the warmth, for the end of this loneliness. I wish to go out, to be on the stage once again, to feel alive again.  
  
But in the middle of this circle, all of a sudden there comes this bright light. It’s what saved me every single time. What pushed me out of this misery and showed me that I am still breathing and my blood is running in my veins. It’s what rips my heart out of my guitar and places it back into my chest. I can finally feel it again, beating wildly like a brave warrior.  
  
It’s him – the heartbeat of our band, the pulse of our music and my beautiful enigma. All it takes is for him to smile warmly, to look at me the way he always does, like I’m unique and irreplaceable. I suddenly feel giddy and my lips form a smile, bright and happy – honest. It’s like I almost forgot what it was like to smile, to feel…to love. But he always reminds me. He gathers all the pieces and puts them back together so that the next morning I wake up I feel like I matter – like a star that shines brightly just like all the others.

 

 

  
  
  
**Summer 2011**

 

 

                                                                              

  
  
Die is wet. His hair is all drenched in sweat and water, sticking to his face. He is exhausted. It was so, so hot during this live in Budapest; the club was swimming in sweat and water. Shinya can smell that specific scent - so unique. On tour it's mostly alcohol, lots of beer and whiskey. Because Shinya knows Die needs it, without it he won’t ever be able to fall asleep. Those nightmares are scaring even Shinya and he isn’t even the one dreaming them. He's the one listening to Die whispering with trembling words into the skin of his neck and trying to suppress his shaking.

So he lets Die drink. He lets him feel like a rockstar he truly is.  
  
Shinya is suddenly pressed to a wall in the hallway backstage of the venue, Die’s hot breath on his neck, everything wet and slipping away from his fingers. A low voice whispering desperately half-drunken pleas into his hair.  
  
“Let’s get away, Shin-chan..ah, let’s just disappear together..away, away from everyone..please” Shinya's closing his eyes, fingers tangling in that chocolate brown mess of hair - the only thing currently overwhelming his vision. And then Die’s eyes, glassy and half lidded, staring into his own. The world is spinning around them; Shinya can’t even feel the ground under their feet.

How can he be strong enough to handle this? To handle Die breaking, falling into his arms, crumbling like a delicate shell? Die isn’t a weak person, not at all…but sometimes people are strong just for too long.  
  
_Still, after all these years, after everything, I am holding you and won’t ever let you fall again._  
  
“Daisuke,” Shinya whispers somewhat soothingly into Die’s temple, wrapping an arm around the guitarist’s middle. “..Whenever and wherever you want.” The gentle drummer knows Die needs to hear these things, otherwise he would fall even further. Die needs love, like every other human being, and Shinya has so much of it and only for the older guitarist.  
  
Die is leaning his forehead tiredly on Shinya’s, smiling slightly. “ I love you, so much, Shin-chan, so much…” full lips whispering to the skin of his neck and the drummer – who is always so sensitive to beats – feels Die’s heart beating frantically, speaking in even bigger volumes about what the guitarist is saying. He pushes Die even closer to his chest then, wanting to drown in those beats, just like during the show. Shinya knows how the guitarist’s emotions sometimes overwhelm him, spill like an overfilled glass, how he's just too helpless against them. And Shinya will to catch him, always and forever, because he doesn’t ever want to lose him again.

  
  
  
  
**Autumn 2011**

 

 

  
_"Will a day come when I would be able to strum a C chord without protest?_  
_If that time comes then I wonder what will I become?_  
_Will I become considerably HAPPY! HAPPY! or considerably weird?_  
_Well, it's okay if that day doesn't come."_  
_Die (meisyodemeisyu)_

 

Clouds in the sky, everything is grey and dark and so is his soul. That’s why he hates it so much - the rain and the dark clouds. Because his soul becomes same as them and even more depressed than it is.

That’s why he loves the sun and bright warm weather, because it makes him instantly feel happier. Then he's able to smile – it’s even possible that he will listen to some happier song. But now like this, he knows he is like these rain and clouds, he always has been, that’s why only those sounds and melodies his guitar can produce. When he's alone at night, thinking and strumming his guitar, it never is happy-happy, it's always sorrow and misery untold, tears unshed…that’s just simply how he is and nothing can ever change that.

  
Except one thing, one thing that can always make him smile even in the most depressive times, when he’s not even able to breathe because of how much his heart is crying. One bright and shining thing, just like the sun. This one thing is a human being with most beautiful smile on earth, with eyes gentle but sometimes hard, with lips and features of a miracle and a voice like sweet whispers of never-ending love. This person’s mind is made for loving and admiring, creating the most wonderful melodies and images Die could never think of himself. It’s also a person who, with his mere presence, can make this cloudy day brighter than any summer afternoon that ever came in July.  
  
Shinya. His Shinya. Still his Shinya.  
  
And Die will never stop being grateful – every second of every day, that he can call him being his. And he plans on keeping it like that for the rest of his life. Everything bad and difficult that ever mattered, is long gone and the only thing that really matters now is them - together and never alone again.

 

                                                                             

 

 


End file.
